How (Not) To Vote

During Election Day, we're delighted to deliver these words of wisdom to people still deciding...

It is traditional to mark your ballot paper with a cross, but writing “LOL”, “ I Want That One” or drawing a smiley face are also acceptable.

If you are considering voting tactically, you are required by law to shout “You sunk my battleship!” at the top of your voice while in the booth. Alternatively, "I agree with Nick" will do.

"Leave the pencil behind. This isn't bloody Argos."

If you must declare who you voted for outside the polling station, you must do it in a game of charades.

Those who have lost the game are only eligible to vote if they can make a Chuck Norris joke.

Anyone who declares that Obama is awesome while voting will be excused for speaking the ultimate truth.

If you spoil your ballot, you are required to write at the bottom of the paper, "What have the Romans ever done for us?"

And if that doesn't help, sing I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves until they let you become PM. It worked for John Major, after all.

The Evening Stanners

P.S. If running for office, do not fly around in a plane with a UKIP banner on it. You will be hospitalised, and worse still, people will call you Nigel Farage, which is a silly name.