Mr Gordon Brown, Where Art Thou?

(To be sung to the theme of Scooby-Doo, ideally)

Taken from the Guardian, y'all:

Age: 59.

Appearance: The Invisible Man, sans bandages.

The grumpy one who used to be prime minister? More or less. He's the business-friendly son of the manse who helped make Labour electable after 18 years in the wilderness, blah blah. But grumpy? JK Rowling calls him "affable, funny and gregarious".

When I die, I want that woman to write my obituary. So what's Brown doing now? Pretending to care about the Middle East? That's the other unpopular former Labour premier. This one's still in parliament, on the backbenches for the first time since Margaret Thatcher was in power. Almost 65% of the voters of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath still love him.

Are you positive he isn't sorting out the Palestinian Question? He hasn't been on telly. He's been to the House of Commons twice since the election, once to take the oath of allegiance, and once to sit through two minutes of questions to the new environment secretary.

Isn't he right to keep his head down? If he doesn't, the other Labour MPs will only complain he's disrupting their leadership campaign. Whereas if he does, the Tories will complain he's neglecting his duties. On Monday, Cameron told the Commons he wished Brown "could be bothered to turn up to this House". If you're a politician, this is simply hilarious.

Whereas if you're not it's simply pathetic. So how has Brown been filling the hours? Watching every match in the World Cup, according to the cynics. "Working hard in his constituency," according to his wife.

And lovingly contemplating his leaving present? What did the rest of the cabinet give him? An overpriced print of Chequers, like Tony Blair got? Absolutely nothing so far. As one of them explained: "For a while we didn't know if he was going or not." And it is only seven weeks since Brown resigned.

Do say: "Just think of all the time you'll have to catch up with old friends."

Don't say: "That Gillian Duffy's at the door again."

Brown isn't the first to adopt this approach: John Major did something similar in 1997, staying on as an MP for four years but keeping himself "out of trouble"; and Edward Heath stayed on the backbenches for a good 26 years after being forced to step down as leader.

I did also think of Alec Douglas-Home, PM from 1963 until 1964 as a possible example, but Douglas-Home actually returned in 1970 as Foreign Secretary: proof that your Parliamentary career is not necessarily "over" if you get ousted from No. 10. Though it seems unlikely Brown will be taking a job in the Shadow Cabinet any time soon.

Incidentally, if you have a minute, the story about Douglas-Home potentially getting kidnapped as PM in '64 is fantastically British. "You realise if you kidnap me, the Conservatives will win by about 200 or 300?" Classic stuff.

The Evening Stanners

Will Jeremy Hunt Become Rhyming Slang?

Answer: only if he keeps thinking before he speaks. In trying to praise the England supporters in South Africa, you see, Mr Hunt (the Culture Secretary) decided to draw comparisons between the sensible behaviour at this tournament, and say, the hooliganism of Heysel. And Hillsborough.

Ah.

Now, both Heysel and Hillsborough were terrible disasters. But they are very different disasters. Heysel, which occurred in 1985, was a result of Liverpool fans deciding that breaking through a fence to attack Juventus fans was a good idea. It wasn't. The Juventus fans tried to scarper, got crushed against a wall, and 39 people died, 32 of them Juventus supporters. Unsurprisingly, Liverpool were banned from European football, and quite rightly so.

Hillsborough, however, was not the result of Liverpool supporters running amok; far from it. What happened at Hillsborough was ultimately more tragic: many supporters were late for the match, and the police desperately tried to get fans in through a few entrances. It was a fatal mistake. The rush of people was too great, and people began to be crushed against the fence at the front of the terrace: again, common sense on behalf of the police would have saved many lives, as two policemen on horseback at the front would have at least broken up the crowd. Instead, South Yorkshire Police were left with the very brutal consequences; 96 Liverpool fans dead, only 14 of which actually reached a hospital.

Does that sound like hooliganism to you? It doesn't to me. It sounds like a number of failures by a police force to keep control, which is what the Taylor Report later concluded. Very different from Heysel, though Heysel still retains the power to shock the neutral.

So methinks Jeremy Hunt should actually go and watch a Liverpool game at some point. It might just be that he hears the following chant that's been going for over 20 years: "Justice for the 96". Though he might want to pick an away game first, mightn't he?

The Evening Stanners

PS I can't help but feel saying sorry to Liverpool is becoming a legal requirement for prominent Conservatives. Boris Johnson a few years ago, anyone?

PPS Ooh, Michael Howard (former Conservative Party leader) is a Liverpool fan! Perhaps my hypothesis needs work...

Holland are in the Quarter Finals

Wooooo!

:-D

My friend Thyiis would be proud. They'll be partying in Amsterdam tonight.

Now I just need Chile to beat Brazil. Come ooooon Chile!

The Evening Stanners

The Real End of New Labour

Rather fitting, this. Taken from BBC News...

The Labour club which played host to many milestones in Tony Blair's political career is to close.

Trimdon Labour Club was where the then MP for Sedgefield said he was standing for party leadership in 1994.

It was also the setting for three general election victory celebrations and his formal announcement that he was standing down as prime minister.

The club secretary said that finances had been hit by the smoking ban and cheaper supermarket drink prices.

After the club closes next month, the premises will be turned into a new pub, not affiliated with any party.

'Can't compete'

The club was opened by former Labour leader Neil Kinnock in 1993, and during Mr Blair's premiership visitors included the then French prime minister, Lionel Jospin.

Paul Trippett, the club secretary, said: "We're all devastated really, but we are losing money quite steadily and there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

"The smoking ban did play a part, especially during winter months, but what's really done for us is cheap beer.

"In the club £10 will unfortunately only get you four pints of lager but if you go to one of the big supermarkets, £10 will get you 48 cans.

"Really, you can't compete with that."

The decision to close was made by the committee, following a number of discussions about finances.

"We thought we can do this in two ways," he said.

"We can struggle on until we were forced to close, or we can pay off our creditors and walk out on 22 July with our heads held high."

What I like here is the irony of New Labour: Blair effectively killed off the club that launched him with the smoking ban and encouraging cheap alcohol at off-licenses.

Funny old world...

The Evening Stanners

If you gallivant around the country...

Then you might not always update your blogs on a regular basis.

Shocking stuff.

So what's happening?

1. The England football team were awesome. Then they failed at life. C'est bizarre.

2. I may have a summer job in Devon. More on that story later!

3. I keep getting e-mails from various parties telling me the budget was right/wrong/necessary (Conservative, Labour, and Lib Dem, in that order). Personally, I think Nick Clegg's e-mail was closest to the truth. He may be in a somewhat unimportant role, but he does talk sense.

4. Holland are beating Slovakia. They're my sweepstake team. This is therefore good news.

5. I had the most awesome time in London on Friday, even if Rachel Hill did beat me at Air Hockey AND Ten Pin Bowling. I will have my vengeance, in this world or the next...

Update later on today, with any luck!

The Evening Stanners

P.S. Oww, sunburn. I am a forgetful wossface.

That reminds me of that time when I was Chancell-yah

Oh my word, I can't believe you just raised VAT to 20%. That totally reminds me of that time when I was Chancell-yah.

And like, it was a really moving and touching experience inside the Houses of Parl-yah-ment, and I like, felt this real sense of responsibility, yah know? And I was like, trying to give this deep and emotional speech on how to bring Britain into a new era and that;

And then I just introduced spending cuts EVERYWHERE...

Uh-oh, he's onto me.

RUN AWAAAAAAAAY...

The Evening Stanners will be back once he's outrun the MP for Tatton...

Marmalade Democracy

This.

This site.

This site is.

THIS SITE IS AWESOME

http://marmaladedemocracy.blogspot.com

What are you waiting for? Go and read it! It makes a lot more sense than this silly blog post of mine! And you will learn much about the awesome film-making talents of Loz, Josh and Gray, three good friends of mine from Cardiff :)

The Evening Stanners

PS Budget tomorrow. Mm.