I go Ice Shuffling, And Alan Johnson Comes Down With A Bump

So. Ice skating.

It's INSANE. How do people manage to glide around so effortlessly? Apart from practising for hours on end, obviously. I was getting the hang of it by the end of the session, but still: this would explain why we idolise Torville & Dean so much. If you can do something well when it looks impossible to many, then you clearly have talent.

Sadly, a similar task lay in store for Alan Johnson when he became Shadow Chancellor last October, but he was skating on thin ice from the start. (You're fired - Ed.)

Hands up if you're surprised by this news

Johnson was relatively affable and a well-known face, but a politician who is not in control of their brief will find things difficult at the best of times. It is a great shame that personal issues have brought his career to a shuddering halt, and is something you would not wish on your worst enemy. That said, you wouldn't wish the rumours about him on Twitter on your worst enemy, but that hasn't stopped some. Personally, I was surprised at anyone that he resigned, but after his surprise absence from PMQs yesterday, perhaps it was more obvious than I thought.

So, will Ed Balls, his replacement as Shadow Chancellor, give Osborne a run for his money (or rather ours)? He certainly has a better knowledge of economics, and Osborne will find his questions harder to deflect. But whilst it might be tempting to mercilessly attack the Government's policy, voters showed in their rejection of Gordon Brown that a big clunking fist does not always get the desired results. Ed Balls now has the brief he wants: the key to Labour's success is to not let it go to his head.

The Evening Stanners

Tuition Fees: More About Oxford

Welp, turns out I was slightly mistaken about the wealth of Oxford University. Our special correspondent Sarah Barrett (aka Saz) has the inside scoop...

"Oxford certainly could NOT survive without its students, as it barely is with them, and is currently in massive debt, especially colleges which don't have massive traditions of 'old boy' networks to keep them... alive on private donations. Hence why certain representatives are fairly keen to see tuition fees rise, and why we love International students so much especially at postgraduate level (they pay higher fees). However not all the dons want higher fees, in spite of the fact currently on average Oxford falls short of about £8000 per undergraduate.

What is the real problem is the government's ridiculous idea to more or less cut funding from all of the Arts, and only provide for what they deem 'valuable' ie the sciences (and i suspect only really physics and chemistry), engineering, medicine and 'some' modern languages."

Oh those poor Internationals. "We don't hate foreigners if we can exploit them", you might say. And how on earth is Oxford falling short of £8000 per undergraduate? It's a bit cheeky of Universities to tell you how to "manage your debt" when they can't do it themselves. If I'm correct, that's a debt of... (multiplies 8,000 by 300) about £2.4m per college. YOWSERS.

Incidentally, this article from 2004 on how neck-deep in debt Oxford is does explain a lot, and also explains how colleges are actually run as financial organisations. Who knew, eh?

Whilst we're on the topic of Oxford and politics: if Bigotgate didn't humiliate Gordon Brown enough for you, the Laura Spence Affair almost certainly will. Ye daft cloon, Broon...

The Evening Stanners

Also, Also!

My blog has been stalked courtesy of Facebook.

Does this mean I have a fan club? If so, I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

Have picked up the Times today: Mandelson's memoirs = major political win. Blair vs Brown is hilarious, especially as Blair keeps saying Brown is like a member of the mafia. STEP OUTSIDE POSH BOY...

The Evening Stanners

Mr Gordon Brown, Where Art Thou?

(To be sung to the theme of Scooby-Doo, ideally)

Taken from the Guardian, y'all:

Age: 59.

Appearance: The Invisible Man, sans bandages.

The grumpy one who used to be prime minister? More or less. He's the business-friendly son of the manse who helped make Labour electable after 18 years in the wilderness, blah blah. But grumpy? JK Rowling calls him "affable, funny and gregarious".

When I die, I want that woman to write my obituary. So what's Brown doing now? Pretending to care about the Middle East? That's the other unpopular former Labour premier. This one's still in parliament, on the backbenches for the first time since Margaret Thatcher was in power. Almost 65% of the voters of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath still love him.

Are you positive he isn't sorting out the Palestinian Question? He hasn't been on telly. He's been to the House of Commons twice since the election, once to take the oath of allegiance, and once to sit through two minutes of questions to the new environment secretary.

Isn't he right to keep his head down? If he doesn't, the other Labour MPs will only complain he's disrupting their leadership campaign. Whereas if he does, the Tories will complain he's neglecting his duties. On Monday, Cameron told the Commons he wished Brown "could be bothered to turn up to this House". If you're a politician, this is simply hilarious.

Whereas if you're not it's simply pathetic. So how has Brown been filling the hours? Watching every match in the World Cup, according to the cynics. "Working hard in his constituency," according to his wife.

And lovingly contemplating his leaving present? What did the rest of the cabinet give him? An overpriced print of Chequers, like Tony Blair got? Absolutely nothing so far. As one of them explained: "For a while we didn't know if he was going or not." And it is only seven weeks since Brown resigned.

Do say: "Just think of all the time you'll have to catch up with old friends."

Don't say: "That Gillian Duffy's at the door again."

Brown isn't the first to adopt this approach: John Major did something similar in 1997, staying on as an MP for four years but keeping himself "out of trouble"; and Edward Heath stayed on the backbenches for a good 26 years after being forced to step down as leader.

I did also think of Alec Douglas-Home, PM from 1963 until 1964 as a possible example, but Douglas-Home actually returned in 1970 as Foreign Secretary: proof that your Parliamentary career is not necessarily "over" if you get ousted from No. 10. Though it seems unlikely Brown will be taking a job in the Shadow Cabinet any time soon.

Incidentally, if you have a minute, the story about Douglas-Home potentially getting kidnapped as PM in '64 is fantastically British. "You realise if you kidnap me, the Conservatives will win by about 200 or 300?" Classic stuff.

The Evening Stanners

Blame Labour For The Footie

So, the England football team.

Yeah.

Makes me... proud... to be...

QUARTER-IRISH BECAUSE IRELAND BLOODY BEAT ALGERIA 3-0 FOR PETE'S SAKE

And breathe.

In light of the recent development that England are shocking, I have decided that the easiest way to guess how England will do is to see how Labour are doing in the polls.

Let's have a look-see...

1966: Labour win by a landslide, with George Brown as Deputy Leader. England win the World Cup.

1970: England get to the Quarter-Finals, but surprisingly lose to Germany. Labour lose the election, and George Brown loses his seat.

1974: England don't qualify. Labour win by default against Ted Heath.

1978: England don't qualify. Labour barely holding onto power under Lib-Lab pact.

1982: England make the second group stage. Labour on brink of extinction?

1986: England make the quarter-finals. Labour starting to fight back a bit. Gordon Brown is now an MP. (Note the Brown connection: note it!)

1990: England reach the semi-finals. Labour are ahead in the polls, and Thatcher is on the brink. Gordon Brown is on the rise in the Labour Party

1994: England don't qualify. Labour leader John Smith dies. Gordon Brown bottles chance to be leader.

1998: England make the second round. Labour are in power. Tony Blair is in a bit of trouble over the Ecclestone business; Brown is Chancellor.

2002: England make the quarter-finals. Brown has served five years as Chancellor.

2006: England make the quarter-finals. Blair's STILL there. Brown is very close to becoming PM.

2010: England can't beat the US or Algeria. BROWN IS NO LONGER IN DOWNING STREET.

So we can safely conclude that England only do well when:

1. There's a person called Brown in Government. (In between the two Browns, you'll notice, we never make it beyond the groups, or even qualifying sometimes!)

2. There's a strong Labour government.

3. We have huge riots in London.

So, seeing as the first two aren't going to happen anytime soon, I propose that somebody in London holds a riot before Wednesday, or we're all horribly DOOMED.

Ta.

The Evening Stanners

PS I just realised something else! The majority of Scotland is held by Labour, and Scotland don't want England to win! Coincidence?!? (That sort of conspiracy will get you fired from your onw blog - Ed.)