Labour Need To Smarten Up

Is this, dear readers, what the Labour Party has been reduced to in recent weeks? It would appear so. Yesterday in the House of Commons, a Labour MP decided that what the public really wanted to see a discussion on was the dress code of MPs.

The most controversial issue in Parliament?

According to BBC News, "Thomas Docherty, new MP for Dunfermline and West Fife, raised a point of order suggesting several MPs had been spotted wearing denim in the House.

Later he told the BBC the point had been "semi-serious" but some women MPs had been "rocking up in a mixture of denim and knee length boots".

Deputy Speaker Dawn Primarolo said all MPs knew they should dress smartly.

MPs laughed as she suggested Mr Docherty speak to those concerned directly, adding 'I'm sure they would welcome it'."

The scandal of some coalition MPs, eh? First they hike tuition fees, now they're wearing denim. Clearly we need Labour to stand up to these fashion criminals before the country goes to the wall!

Or, perhaps more helpfully, they could start drawing up some policies. After all, if the Tories can come up with something like this notebook for Christmas, the signs aren't good...

Why a notebook, I hear you cry? Bascially, it all stems from Ed Miliband saying that Labour were going to start with "a blank sheet of paper". Perhaps not the best phrase to have used in hindsight, because the Tories have gone for it like footballers go for scandalous affairs, and are actually selling this to their members as a 204-page notebook for a fiver. The joke being: it's blank.

Admittedly, I've heard better political jokes in my time, but the Tories may well have a point. Apart from proposing the graduate tax as an alternative to higher tuition fees, and rambling about "the squeezed middle", Ed is a man who appears to be big on Clegg-bashing but small on policy. Indeed, for someone who wrote the Labour manifesto, he's having difficulties coming up with new ideas: Labour's Policy Review remains unwritten.

The more pressing issue, however, is that Cameron is having a much easier time against Miliband than he was against Brown, who didn't even get voted leader by his party. Ed frequently tries to score points by painting himself as progressive, but the truth is he can't lay a finger on Cameron at present, and is frequently heckled into a state of confusion and irritation: Prime Minister's Questions on Wednesday 1st December being the best example so far. What's more, some progressive bloggers are already damning his current strategy. If he's not careful, the confusion may spread throughout his party: but for now, he appears to be safe. Whether he can win the next election, however, is open to serious debate.

The Evening Stanners

Nick Clegg Cares About Sheffield Wednesday

It's a news story that's almost as random as the photograph, boys and girls...

Nick Clegg: Long-term solution for Sheffield Wednesday must be found
Wed, 17 Nov 2010

Commenting on the news that Sheffield Wednesday FC has avoided a winding-up order by being granted a 28-day adjournment by the High Court, Deputy Prime Minister and Sheffield Hallam MP, Nick Clegg said:

“Today’s adjournment is welcome news for Sheffield Wednesday and will hopefully give the club the time it needs to attract the required investment.

“It is, however, only a stay of execution and much more needs to be done to safeguard the long-term future of this wonderful football club.

“I have been in regular contact with both the club and the bank over the last few days and I know how hard everyone is working to find a way forward. I will continue to help all parties in any way I can to find a workable solution to the club’s plight.

“I know how much Sheffield Wednesday means to the fans and the city itself and a successful long-term solution must now be found.”

Personally I'd be surprised if Clegg actually knows where Wednesday are in the table at the moment: but then, he may well have other things on his mind at present. However, it does seem to suggest that while he misjudged the public mood on tuition fees, he does still talk to people on the ground. The question is, would he get in for free at Hillsborough?

On a sports related note, David Cameron actually made some Premier League predictions on the BBC Sport website quite recently: it's worth watching for the last prediction alone. Liverpool 0-6 Aston Villa? Hahahahaha. Let's hope he's slightly better at predicting economic growth (it finished Liverpool 3-0 Aston Villa, in case you were wondering).

"We're not that bad, Prime Minister!"

Thanks for reading,

The Evening Stanners

I'm Still Alive!

And to prove it, I'm in Falmouth on Monday to see Uni people, wooooo :-D

I'm sorry I'm so terribly slow, I really should update more frequently! But in fairness I've been super busy recently: the hostel takes up a lot of time, and I don't get much internet down here in Salcombe.

So here's what you need to know atm:

1. I have lots of cards: you guys are awesome :-D Except for the blokes. Blokes, you have sent me no post. GET IT SORTED.

2. I was up in London on Monday and Ipswich on Tuesday seeing my girlfriend Rachel. That's right, the poor girl has agreed to go out with me. Heaven help her. You'd think a Cambridge student would know better, wouldn't you? But seriously, she's awesome you guys, and I will stop now before I get too soppy. Eeeee :-)

3. I'm in Falmouth this Monday for one night only! So yes, do feel free to give me a shout and we shall meet up and it will be awesome. I'm thinking of doing the St Mawes ferry, but we'll have to see.

Take care people! Remember, now matter how bad your day is, at least you're not Nick Clegg. His popularity is most bogus, dudes...

The Evening Stanners

If you gallivant around the country...

Then you might not always update your blogs on a regular basis.

Shocking stuff.

So what's happening?

1. The England football team were awesome. Then they failed at life. C'est bizarre.

2. I may have a summer job in Devon. More on that story later!

3. I keep getting e-mails from various parties telling me the budget was right/wrong/necessary (Conservative, Labour, and Lib Dem, in that order). Personally, I think Nick Clegg's e-mail was closest to the truth. He may be in a somewhat unimportant role, but he does talk sense.

4. Holland are beating Slovakia. They're my sweepstake team. This is therefore good news.

5. I had the most awesome time in London on Friday, even if Rachel Hill did beat me at Air Hockey AND Ten Pin Bowling. I will have my vengeance, in this world or the next...

Update later on today, with any luck!

The Evening Stanners

P.S. Oww, sunburn. I am a forgetful wossface.

That reminds me of that time when I was Chancell-yah

Oh my word, I can't believe you just raised VAT to 20%. That totally reminds me of that time when I was Chancell-yah.

And like, it was a really moving and touching experience inside the Houses of Parl-yah-ment, and I like, felt this real sense of responsibility, yah know? And I was like, trying to give this deep and emotional speech on how to bring Britain into a new era and that;

And then I just introduced spending cuts EVERYWHERE...

Uh-oh, he's onto me.

RUN AWAAAAAAAAY...

The Evening Stanners will be back once he's outrun the MP for Tatton...

Bloody Sunday vs Truth Tuesday

Queueing to get into the House of Commons usually takes about five minutes, if that. Yesterday, it was taking surprisingly longer. Even after all the security checks (which involved being lightly patted down), I was told it would take me quite some time to actually get to the viewing chamber.

But surely there’s nothing major going on, I thought: surely it’s just a matter of a few maiden speeches being made, and so on?

Well, no. As it turns out, the Prime Minister was at the despatch box.

And fortunately, 30 minutes after I joined the line, he still was. Because, as I remembered belatedly, the Saville Report was being published.

I’ve been to the House of Commons before, but actually seeing David Cameron stand up to field various questions was something altogether different. It was also a moment of history. The events of Bloody Sunday, which took place over 38 years ago, never make for pleasant reading; but Conservative governments have usually tried to shy away from the event, seeing as it occurred under the premiership of Edward Heath, their former leader.

Cameron, however, was making no excuses.

“That is why I reached my conclusion about there being no equivocation. When one reads the summary, whatever preconceived ideas one brings to the whole area and to what happened, one is given an incredibly clear sense of what happened and how wrong it was. I hope that, whatever side of the argument people come from, a report as clear as this will help them to come to terms with the past, because it puts matters beyond doubt. In that way, as I said, I think that the truth can help to free people from their preconceived ideas.”

So, in a word: the British army messed up, and it was unjustified. The 13 victims were, in a word, innocent.

Even better was Cameron’s response to a question from the Lib Dem MP Bob Russell…

“It is not in their interests, and nor is it in our interests, to try to gloss over what happened on that dreadful day.”

Considering this is such a hot potato for a Conservative PM - who you would normally expect to protect the Armed Forces from any controversy - he handled most questions impeccably.

But the best piece of speaking was left to Dr William McCrea, MP for South Antrim, who certainly left me moved, and Cameron a little raw:

“I am sure the Prime Minister would not like to support a hierarchy of victimhood. On 17 January 1992, eight innocent civilian construction workers at Teebane were murdered by the Provisional IRA, and six others were seriously injured. On 9 April 1991, my cousin Derek was gunned down and his child was left to put his fingers into the holes where the blood was coming out to try to stop his father dying. On 7 February 1976, my two cousins were brutally murdered-one boy, 16, and his sister, 21, on the day she was engaged to be married. Therefore I say this to the Prime Minister: no one has ever been charged for any of those murders, and there have been no inquiries. Countless others, including 211 Royal Ulster Constabulary members, were also murdered.

Saville says: “None” of the casualties “was posing any threat of causing death or serious injury”, but that could be said of Teebane, of Derek, of Robert and of Rachel. How do we get closure, how do we get justice, and how do we get the truth?”

To which Cameron replied:

The hon. Gentleman rightly speaks with great power and emotion about how people on all sides in Northern Ireland have suffered, and people in the community that he represents have suffered particularly badly. Some horrific things have happened to people completely unconnected with politics-people who are innocent on every single level-and there is nothing that you can do to explain to someone who lost a loved one in that way that there is any logic, fairness or sense in that loss. The hon. Gentleman asks how we try to achieve closure on such matters. There is no easy way, but we have the Historical Enquiries Team, which goes through case after case, and if it finds the evidence, prosecutions can take place.

I hope that the inquiry report published today will give some closure to those families from Londonderry, but one way for families who have suffered to gain more closure about the past is for terrorists or former terrorists to come forward and give information about those crimes. However, in the end, we have to move forward and we have to accept that dreadful things happened. We do not want to return to those days, and that sometimes means - as he and I know - burying very painful memories about the past so that we can try to build a future.”

So all in all, stirring stuff, and I’m glad I decided to go along for a few hours.

And bizarrely, Nick Clegg sitting next to Cameron doesn’t look that odd. Hmm.

The Evening Stanners

Broken Laws

Oh, dearie me. The coalition may well hold a new record for the quickest Cabinet resignation since the formation of a UK government known to man. Not even Ted Heath's government started this badly, though it has to be said that David Cameron did NOT get hit by rotten tomatoes.

So why is the Lib-Con coalition honeymoon "already over"? Well, as I'm sure you'll have read in the Guardian and other such outraged newspapers (ie all of 'em), David Laws (above), Chief Secretary to the Treasury, resigned yesterday. This is because he broke the expenses rules from 2006, when he claimed money that should have gone to the taxpayer.

About £40,000 to be precise.

Naturally, there's a bit of outrage about that: the Lib Dems did rather well after taking the moral high ground on the expenses scandal last year, so the Yeovil MP is not exactly in much of a position to argue.

The difficulty for Laws is that he was trying to protect people around him: because the money he claimed went to his landlord, and partner, James Lundie. Many of his close friends did not know about Laws' sexuality: hence why he claimed the money, in order to protect his reputation. Unfortunately, covering something up will only get you so far: in Laws' case, into the Cabinet for 18 days, before all hell broke loose.

It's hard not to feel sorry for Laws: one gets the feeling he's been hounded out a bit here. But rules are rules, and Laws would only have damaged his reputation further by trying to wriggle out of it. In any case, judging by the support from such right-wingers as Iain Duncan-Smith, he will probably be back at some point. But the lefties will want to see him repay the money, and plenty of penitence whilst he's at it: much like they wanted to see Tony Blair apologise for Iraq, or George Bush apologise for being a muppet.

So will the coalition fall apart? My guessing would be: not yet, lads. This was very much the media baying for blood, and the public mood is decidedly anti-media: newspapers are not cool, Twitter and Facebook more sort of are. So the likelihood is it will hold until at least next May, by which time we'll see how the new Labour man (or woman) is doing.

Definitely a shock to the system, though.

Clegg: Well, this is a bit bogus.

Bill: Shut up, Clegg!

The Evening Stanners

Labour Leadership Contest: Ed, Dave and Eddie

Okay, the show was technically called Ed, Edd and Eddie. But you get the idea.

Here's the deal:

David Miliband is nominated, as is Ed Miliband. Ed Balls, whilst still struggling a bit, has at least got himself nominated and will be difficult to remove from frontline politics, as the Conservatives found when they failed to "decapitate" him from Morley on May 6th.

The other three are still trailing, unfortunately. Burnham is half-way there (thank you Bon Jovi. Yes, now you too have that song in your head), McDonnell has six signatures, and poor old Diane Abbott only has one. So much for diversity!

It will be a lot clearer after the end of this week who's not going to make it: after all, the other three do have a whole week to garner support, so we'll see.

Interestingly, Dave Miliband has suggested the idea of televised debates for the contest, which would certainly be a modernising move and would do Labour a fair bit of good in my opinion. After all, it did inspire Cleggmania!

More soon...

The Evening Stanners

Speechifying

Today is when the Queen gets up in Parliament and basically outlines what on earth this next Government's getting up too. She should be fairly used to it, mind, having survived about a dozen Prime Ministers. You can find the BBC News live feed here.

Unfortunately, several parts of the Queen's Speech, such as the scrapping of identity cards and the Lib Dem proposal of pupil premiums, have been leaked to the press. Indeed, the leaks have extended themselves to the Evening Stanners, where we discovered an attempt to modernise the rhetoric of the speech, so that it might appeal to an electorate of the 21st Century...




I'm representing for them monarchs across the world

Still treating them corgies with some Rolos, girl


Still taking my time to perfect the Speech

And I still got love for the beach

Clegg: Cowabunga dudes...

Bill: SHUT UP, CLEGG!


The Evening Stanners

Merkel and Cameron: Not Best Pals

I don't even have to give an argument why. Instead, here are some photos which indicate exactly how things are going between the Prime Minister and the German Chancellor.

Honest.


Merkel: "Morning, Cleggeron."

Cameron: "It's Clameron. Dash it, I mean Cameron. Now, as you know, I'm here to make it absolutely clear that I'm going to treat the Eurozone like Gene Hunt treats a criminal: slap it about without actually killing it."



Merkel: "Are you sure this is how these things go? Brown was much easier to deal with"

Cameron: "Well yes, but then you started panicking the markets. And don't get me started on the number of times you change jackets. How can I trust a leader who's obsessed with fashion?"

Cameron: "You see, we wouldn't be having all those financial ruckus if you'd bailed Greece out sooner. And that's why the Eurozone isn't going to get any more power over the UK, damn it"

Merkel: "Must... control... urge... to rant..."

BUT CAN YOU GUESS

Merkel: "GRAWGH! MERKEL SMASH!"

Cameron: "You see? Her jacket's changed colour! Again!"

In all seriousness, the talks are actually going relatively well: the Economist sums up the actual state of affairs here. To be honest, I just wanted to write Merkel Smash.

In other news, Lords Mandelson and Adonis are no longer in the Shadow Cabinet, which signals the departure of Mandelson once more from the political foreground. But it seems likely he'll be back in the near future. I bet he's only gone away to spend more time on Google's brilliant tribute to 30 years of Pacman. Wokka-wokka-wokka-wokka...

The Evening Stanners

Bill and Clegg's Excellent Adventures: Labour Pains

Bill: Clegg, this leadership campaign is most complicated.

Clegg: How meanest thou, dude?

Bill: Dude, just two days ago those two Miliband bros were the only guys going for the leader of that rose thing.

Clegg: Wasn't that the rose thing that thrashed you nine years ago?

Bill: Shut up, Clegg. Anyway, turns out there are like, six people going for it.

Clegg: No way.

Bill: Yes way. And one of them's a chick.

Clegg: Bevanite Ellie?

Bill: No dude, Diane Abbott. But like, the idea of a woman leading the Labour Party?

Clegg: Dude, you're like, totally forgetting Harman's in charge at the moment.

Bill: HARMAN'S A CHICK?!?

Dave: Er, sorry to interrupt chaps, but Merkel says the Euro's in danger.

Bill & Clegg: BOGUS!

PS. For the record, the MPs running are David Miliband, Ed Miliband, Ed Balls, John McDonnell, Andy Burnham, and Diane Abbott. This just got a bit more interesting, dudes...

The Evening Stanners

Bill and Clegg: Speaker Bercow

As Nadine Dorries' attempt to create revolution goes down like the Bay of Pigs in '63, Bill and Clegg give you their official (and fictional) lowdown...

Clegg: Dude, this seat arrangement is totally contrived, man.

Bill: What do you mean, Clegg?

Clegg: Well, I'm to the left of Cameron, and you're like, to the right.

Bill: No. Way.

Clegg: Yes way.

Bill: Well that's pretty rockin' man. But why are they dragging Bercow?

Clegg: 'Cos he is a drag, Bill. What was with all those no's, anyway?

Bill: No idea, man. But they were most heinous.

Clegg: Wait one totally awesome moment, Bill. If I'm essentially Keanu Reeves, where will this leave me in ten years' time?

Andrew Marr: Mr Cleggeron. Surprised to see me?

Clegg: Not really.

The Evening Stanners

Ousting A Tory Government: The Do's And Don'ts

Looking at the Labour Party website, it appears that almost every single Lib Dem voter has defected in the space of less than a week. Strange, then, that a meeting of 2,000 party activists saw a ratification of the coalition deal, as Nick Clegg convinvced his core support that the coalition was a good idea.

It's true, of course, that Labour has seen something of a boost in the past week: a Sunday Telegraph poll puts their support up to 33%, just five points behind the Tories. Such narrow margins indicate that the coalition will do very well indeed to last the whole five years. But Labour still needs a rethink of its policies: even in Scotland, where Labour crushed the opposition convincingly, four of its five manifesto points are overwhelmingly negative (though that's not to say they didn't work). With this in mind, how should the Labour Party try and topple its foes?

I say Arnie, your mate Cameron seems to have locked us out...

Do

• Elect a new leader who can appeal to floating voters. The Labour Party has only once won reclaimed access to No. 10 whilst keeping its leader: that was in the early 70's, when Harold Wilson stayed on after losing in 1970 to somehow win in '74. That said, it has also lost successive elections with the same leader, as Clement Attlee and Neil Kinnock found out to their cost. Blair, of course, succeeded where his predecessors had failed simply because he was not Old Labour: David Miliband has capitalised on this recently, saying that the party needed to think about "Next Labour".



• Point out Labour's healthier record on public spending. Labour introduced the NHS, and won three consecutive elections on the pure and simple fact that the public trusted them more than the Tories when it came to education and transport. The last Labour government also introduced the High Speed Rail link, and Ken Livingstone's two terms as Mayor of London has seen the capital's public transport improve immensely.



• Realise where Labour has made mistakes. One of the worst mindsets for the Labour Party to adopt now would be this: "We didn't deserve to lose the election, we were cheated. The public will realise this, and will come back to us at the first sign of trouble." Both Ed and Dave Miliband have been very shrewd in describing the most recent campain as catastrophic: the more Labour realises it made mistakes with the economy and with the prison service, the more it can seek to put right.



• Reach out to your supporters on a personal level. Conservative and Lib Dem supporters were thoroughly consulted on the possibility of a coalition deal: evidently, Labour supporters weren't, and made quite a noise about it. The fact that what Labour MPs were saying about a coalition differed significantly from what Labour fans on Twitter thought of the deal speaks volumes. There needs to be a more permanent connection between the two. This point was illustrated rather well by Margaret Hodge, who only started properly engaging with her constituents a year or so before the General Election: but her work paid off with a convincing victory over Nick Griffin. (Incidentally, what's happend to him? The BNP have gone very quiet all of a sudden)



• Be merciless when a major Tory crisis develops. Labour has always done very well for itself when it has harped on about either a Conservative Party scandal or an error of judgement by a Tory Prime Minister. The John Profumo affair of 1963 completely crippled the Macmillan government: the Three-Day week imposed by Ted Heath was a humiliation for Conservative supporters; and people still talk about Black Wednesday and the Poll Tax. Labour will probably be unable to do this fully until after the leadership election: but highlighting a few places in which the Tories might make enemies (tax rises, unnecessary cuts on public spending, creating an energy crisis) is definitely worthwhile. The key to this is noting that it is only worth harping on about a scandal if parts of the Conservative Party start to make noises: half a dozen backbenchers, for example.

Don't

• Assume you can take down a Tory Government on its war record. It never works. Suez and the Falklands are good opposites: Suez was a complete disaster for Anthony Eden, the Falklands a success for Margaret Thatcher. This isn't to say that a Conservative Defence Secretary is infallible - Michael Portillo's decapitation in 1997 is proof of this - but the main reason for a Conservative Government's demise is not usually to do with the military. In any case, the controversies of Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan do not exactly show Labour as being the expert in handling military situations, so best not to attack the Conservatives on that one.


• Just wait for the Tories to get rid of their leader. If David Cameron were to resign after less than five years with the Tories still in power, he would be the first Conservative Party leader to do this since 1957, when Anthony Eden stepped down. This doesn't mean that Labour can't win the next election: it just means that their Public Enemy No.1 is still going to be Cameron. So rather than expect him to run out of steam, it makes more sense to identify where he's weak: which, judging from the various flip-flops made in recent years, would seem to be on the economy and Europe. Focus on the first leader's debate in particular, and see where Cameron did right and wrong there: because most people watching it concluded that he got a lot wrong.


• Appoint a raving leftie to lead you into the next election (or a raving rightie, but that's unlikely to happen). It is important to have a prominent left-winger in a relatively high post, and promote those who are both to the left and competent: this usually works well for Labour, and Jon Cruddas will hopefully illustrate this. But Michael Foot's time as leader is still an excellent example of how to alienate those more towards the centre of the political spectrum. 306 constituencies will not become socialist, or even anti-Conservative overnight.



• Think you can appoint anyone as Shadow Home Secretary. Oh dear me, no. The fact remains that only two men have ever survived a full Labour Government as Home Secretary in 65 years: Jack Straw (1997-2001) and James Chuter Ede (1945-1951). The fact that five Home Secretaries came and went in the nine years after Straw moved to the Foreign Office speaks volumes. Oh, and the fact two of them lost their seats this month probably doesn't help. Keeping Alan Johnson in his current role, on the other hand, probably would.


• Ignore your women, especially if it leads to calling them bigoted or blaming it all on Sue. In these modern times, men-only cabinets are a dangerous concept, hence the discontent with the current cabinet set-up, which only has three women to its name. Furthermore, one of these women, Teresa May, is coming under fire for appearing to contradict the criteria needed to become the Secretary of State for Equality. Labour, on the other hand, have a number of talented women in their ranks: Harman has done well as Deputy Leader, Bevanite_Ellie is noted for her ability to command support on Twitter, and Sarah Brown frequently came to her husband's rescue.

Those are just a few points that the next Labour Shadow Cabinet will do well to remember: others include how Labour has a better record in manufacturing, how the Labour Party needs to be more convincing on immigration, and so on. But the main point to remember is that the coalition is unlikely to fall apart before October: therefore, the leadership campaign should not be rushed. One of the key reasons why the Tories failed to learn their lessons after 1997 and 2001 was because they did not hold very long post-mortems. In the case of Cameron, the party waited a good six months after the 2005 election before he was elected leader. The result? A Conservative Prime Minister.

Patience is needed: the more rational and reasonable Labour looks, the more panicky and edgy the Conservatives will appear. In the words of Guinness, good things come to those who wait.

For Labour, that will be at least three years. Best put the kettle on.

The Evening Stanners