Why I've Been Away

Well, that and having a part-time job. And Facebook. And general disorganisation.

And a long list of excuses.

Welcome back!

The Evening Stanners

Liar, Liar, Phil's Been Fired

Just when you thought the General Election was fought fairly and squarely (if you ever thought that, that is)... it wasn't.

Behold what I read on BBC News, people!

"Two High Court judges have ordered a rerun of this year's General Election campaign in the Greater Manchester constituency of shadow immigration minister Phil Woolas.

Mr Woolas won the Oldham East and Saddleworth seat by 103 votes over Liberal Democrat rival Elwyn Watkins.

But he has been found guilty of knowingly making false statements about Mr Watkins in campaign literature, and faces a three year ban from the Commons."

Feel free to read more here, by the way. Have to say that's pretty crazy though: the scandalous thing is that Woolas seems to telling whacking great fibs is, um, well within the rules. Well, when you worked under Tony Blair, I suppose that would be instinctive, but still. If you read this article from the Daily Mail (oh the horrendous irony), his manipulation of the "white vote" is nothing short of horrendous. As Elwyn Watkins put it himself, "Politics has to be better than this. Making up lies about your opponent has no part in politics."

We'll have to see what happens on Monday: but it looks like Woolas is about to pay rather dearly. Still, never mind Ed: it's not like he's your Shadow Immigration Minister, is it?

Ah. Bother.

The Evening Stanners

All Hail Ed Milibad

Reading Nick Robinson's latest "newslog", it would appear he's had his worst week yet. If that's the case, then heaven knows what's happening to Ed Miliband. If you watched Prime Minister's Questions, you'll know what I mean.

It's not that I despise Labour, but they don't half pick some bad leaders, do they? When you consider they've only had one who's never lost an election (Tony Blair), and five who never won an election (Hugh Gaitskell, James Callaghan, Michael Foot, Neil Kinnock and Gordon Brown), it really doesn't look good for the current man in charge. I would like to think his brother could be doing a better job, because the more I watch "Red Ed" (or at this rate, Thick 'Ed), the more I'm convinced he's not up to it. Gordon Brown at least had the ability to be dogged and determined, but if Ed wants to actually make Cameron look silly, he's going to have to do better than make jokes about photographers. As for lambasting Cameron about tuition fees: um, who came up with the idea of tuition fees, Ed?

Oh yes, that would be Labour. Rather like pushing a stone down a hill and then complaining when it appears to speed up. Or did you assume that it would always be Labour calling the shots here? It might have been better to draw attention to the fact that raising tuition fees might lead to MPs in constituencies with a high student population being sacked: Nick Clegg, for example, could be under threat in Sheffield Hallam, thanks to the "Right of Recall" Act.

Or better yet, if you're going to have a crack at Cameron for hiring too many staff, how about the fact he needs no less than six security guards on hand when he goes to a restaurant in Oxfordshire? (This happened the Friday before last when I was in Woodstock: never have I seen so many Land Rovers following one solitary man: a little OTT, perhaps?) Ah yes, I know why: because it was Labour who introduced the idea of having ridiculous amounts of security, like giving sub-machine guns to police officers at railway stations.

Policies, man. You need to have some. Get it sorted. And to think I voted Labour last time...

The Evening Stanners

Tuition Fees: More About Oxford

Welp, turns out I was slightly mistaken about the wealth of Oxford University. Our special correspondent Sarah Barrett (aka Saz) has the inside scoop...

"Oxford certainly could NOT survive without its students, as it barely is with them, and is currently in massive debt, especially colleges which don't have massive traditions of 'old boy' networks to keep them... alive on private donations. Hence why certain representatives are fairly keen to see tuition fees rise, and why we love International students so much especially at postgraduate level (they pay higher fees). However not all the dons want higher fees, in spite of the fact currently on average Oxford falls short of about £8000 per undergraduate.

What is the real problem is the government's ridiculous idea to more or less cut funding from all of the Arts, and only provide for what they deem 'valuable' ie the sciences (and i suspect only really physics and chemistry), engineering, medicine and 'some' modern languages."

Oh those poor Internationals. "We don't hate foreigners if we can exploit them", you might say. And how on earth is Oxford falling short of £8000 per undergraduate? It's a bit cheeky of Universities to tell you how to "manage your debt" when they can't do it themselves. If I'm correct, that's a debt of... (multiplies 8,000 by 300) about £2.4m per college. YOWSERS.

Incidentally, this article from 2004 on how neck-deep in debt Oxford is does explain a lot, and also explains how colleges are actually run as financial organisations. Who knew, eh?

Whilst we're on the topic of Oxford and politics: if Bigotgate didn't humiliate Gordon Brown enough for you, the Laura Spence Affair almost certainly will. Ye daft cloon, Broon...

The Evening Stanners

Also, Also!

My blog has been stalked courtesy of Facebook.

Does this mean I have a fan club? If so, I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

Have picked up the Times today: Mandelson's memoirs = major political win. Blair vs Brown is hilarious, especially as Blair keeps saying Brown is like a member of the mafia. STEP OUTSIDE POSH BOY...

The Evening Stanners

If you gallivant around the country...

Then you might not always update your blogs on a regular basis.

Shocking stuff.

So what's happening?

1. The England football team were awesome. Then they failed at life. C'est bizarre.

2. I may have a summer job in Devon. More on that story later!

3. I keep getting e-mails from various parties telling me the budget was right/wrong/necessary (Conservative, Labour, and Lib Dem, in that order). Personally, I think Nick Clegg's e-mail was closest to the truth. He may be in a somewhat unimportant role, but he does talk sense.

4. Holland are beating Slovakia. They're my sweepstake team. This is therefore good news.

5. I had the most awesome time in London on Friday, even if Rachel Hill did beat me at Air Hockey AND Ten Pin Bowling. I will have my vengeance, in this world or the next...

Update later on today, with any luck!

The Evening Stanners

P.S. Oww, sunburn. I am a forgetful wossface.

Blame Labour For The Footie

So, the England football team.

Yeah.

Makes me... proud... to be...

QUARTER-IRISH BECAUSE IRELAND BLOODY BEAT ALGERIA 3-0 FOR PETE'S SAKE

And breathe.

In light of the recent development that England are shocking, I have decided that the easiest way to guess how England will do is to see how Labour are doing in the polls.

Let's have a look-see...

1966: Labour win by a landslide, with George Brown as Deputy Leader. England win the World Cup.

1970: England get to the Quarter-Finals, but surprisingly lose to Germany. Labour lose the election, and George Brown loses his seat.

1974: England don't qualify. Labour win by default against Ted Heath.

1978: England don't qualify. Labour barely holding onto power under Lib-Lab pact.

1982: England make the second group stage. Labour on brink of extinction?

1986: England make the quarter-finals. Labour starting to fight back a bit. Gordon Brown is now an MP. (Note the Brown connection: note it!)

1990: England reach the semi-finals. Labour are ahead in the polls, and Thatcher is on the brink. Gordon Brown is on the rise in the Labour Party

1994: England don't qualify. Labour leader John Smith dies. Gordon Brown bottles chance to be leader.

1998: England make the second round. Labour are in power. Tony Blair is in a bit of trouble over the Ecclestone business; Brown is Chancellor.

2002: England make the quarter-finals. Brown has served five years as Chancellor.

2006: England make the quarter-finals. Blair's STILL there. Brown is very close to becoming PM.

2010: England can't beat the US or Algeria. BROWN IS NO LONGER IN DOWNING STREET.

So we can safely conclude that England only do well when:

1. There's a person called Brown in Government. (In between the two Browns, you'll notice, we never make it beyond the groups, or even qualifying sometimes!)

2. There's a strong Labour government.

3. We have huge riots in London.

So, seeing as the first two aren't going to happen anytime soon, I propose that somebody in London holds a riot before Wednesday, or we're all horribly DOOMED.

Ta.

The Evening Stanners

PS I just realised something else! The majority of Scotland is held by Labour, and Scotland don't want England to win! Coincidence?!? (That sort of conspiracy will get you fired from your onw blog - Ed.)

In light of recent football results, I feel obliged to say...

Tee hee hee.

Although, in truth, the result is a little annoying, as my sister and I have currently made a pact to support the underdog and the favourite respectively. So yesterday, thanks to Mexico and Greece, I lost 2-1. Just as well Argentina turned up, then, or I'd have been whitewashed: like certain extremist political parties. (Anyone heard about UKIP lately? No, didn't think so...)

It has most certainly not been a World Cup that has behaved itself: although at least it has now decided to get going after some appalling opening matches: Japan and Cameroon, I'm looking at you. France, under the guidance of the paranoid and eccentric Raymond Domenech, are not the side that won in '98, or even the side that came second four years ago, but you would expect them to get out of their group, wouldn't you? As it is, all that handball incident did was get Thierry and his mates to a tournament that, so far, they've yet to actually score in. Are the French engaged in some kind of cycle? Final, out at group stages, final, out at group stages, and so on? If so, you might want to put a few on them for Brazil 2014. But I'd wait for a bit, if I'm honest.

Anyhoo, today means I have to back, erm, Germany, the US, and England. And if any of those three lose... well, it will be a mild upset to say the least. Though I'm not sure what England will do if Slovenia win. THAT could make things interesting.

The Evening Stanners