Merkel and Cameron: Not Best Pals

I don't even have to give an argument why. Instead, here are some photos which indicate exactly how things are going between the Prime Minister and the German Chancellor.

Honest.


Merkel: "Morning, Cleggeron."

Cameron: "It's Clameron. Dash it, I mean Cameron. Now, as you know, I'm here to make it absolutely clear that I'm going to treat the Eurozone like Gene Hunt treats a criminal: slap it about without actually killing it."



Merkel: "Are you sure this is how these things go? Brown was much easier to deal with"

Cameron: "Well yes, but then you started panicking the markets. And don't get me started on the number of times you change jackets. How can I trust a leader who's obsessed with fashion?"

Cameron: "You see, we wouldn't be having all those financial ruckus if you'd bailed Greece out sooner. And that's why the Eurozone isn't going to get any more power over the UK, damn it"

Merkel: "Must... control... urge... to rant..."

BUT CAN YOU GUESS

Merkel: "GRAWGH! MERKEL SMASH!"

Cameron: "You see? Her jacket's changed colour! Again!"

In all seriousness, the talks are actually going relatively well: the Economist sums up the actual state of affairs here. To be honest, I just wanted to write Merkel Smash.

In other news, Lords Mandelson and Adonis are no longer in the Shadow Cabinet, which signals the departure of Mandelson once more from the political foreground. But it seems likely he'll be back in the near future. I bet he's only gone away to spend more time on Google's brilliant tribute to 30 years of Pacman. Wokka-wokka-wokka-wokka...

The Evening Stanners

Bill and Clegg's Excellent Adventures: Labour Pains

Bill: Clegg, this leadership campaign is most complicated.

Clegg: How meanest thou, dude?

Bill: Dude, just two days ago those two Miliband bros were the only guys going for the leader of that rose thing.

Clegg: Wasn't that the rose thing that thrashed you nine years ago?

Bill: Shut up, Clegg. Anyway, turns out there are like, six people going for it.

Clegg: No way.

Bill: Yes way. And one of them's a chick.

Clegg: Bevanite Ellie?

Bill: No dude, Diane Abbott. But like, the idea of a woman leading the Labour Party?

Clegg: Dude, you're like, totally forgetting Harman's in charge at the moment.

Bill: HARMAN'S A CHICK?!?

Dave: Er, sorry to interrupt chaps, but Merkel says the Euro's in danger.

Bill & Clegg: BOGUS!

PS. For the record, the MPs running are David Miliband, Ed Miliband, Ed Balls, John McDonnell, Andy Burnham, and Diane Abbott. This just got a bit more interesting, dudes...

The Evening Stanners

Work Placements and Interviews: Part IV

Man, this is getting confusing. Soooo far...

• Three counts of "We're considering you" from Labour;
• One "Can you e-mail my campaign manager" from the Lib Dems (that's Julian Huppert of Cambridge)
• One "Thanks, but it's choc-a-bloc in here" from the Conservatives (What is it with me and Reading?)
• And lastly, one "Let us know if you're still interested" from the Speaker.

Oh yes. I'm going for a potential job with John Bercow the day after I blog about him. Coincidence?

To be continued...

Nick: Dude, our sitcom is way cooler than this "Work Placements" thing.

Bill: SHUT UP, CLEGG!

The Evening Stanners

Work Placements and Interviews: Part III

So, after about a week or so of e-mailing people, I have three possible sources of work:

• Constituency Campaign Organiser for the Exeter Labour Party


• Case Worker for Karl Turner MP (Kingston upon Hull East)


• Parliamentary Caseworker for Barry Gardiner MP (Brent North)

Giving me a very nice Devon - Yorkshire - London triangle of career opportunities. Hopefully a few more job offers will trickle through, though to be honest I would take any one of those at the moment. Exeter would be pretty awesome, London would be manageable and Hull is actually quite nice, honest! I went to a Hull - Spurs match and sat in the home end despite being a Spurs fan and it was fine. That's security for you. And their telephone boxes are whiter than white.

See?

By the way, if you have a spare moment (and let's face it, you do if you're reading this), then Barry Gardiner's website is worth a look: he won't need to advertise for an IT whizzkid anytime soon. Awesome stuff.

And back to the jobhunting! Also, more Bill and Clegg goodness later...

The Evening Stanners

Bill and Clegg: Speaker Bercow

As Nadine Dorries' attempt to create revolution goes down like the Bay of Pigs in '63, Bill and Clegg give you their official (and fictional) lowdown...

Clegg: Dude, this seat arrangement is totally contrived, man.

Bill: What do you mean, Clegg?

Clegg: Well, I'm to the left of Cameron, and you're like, to the right.

Bill: No. Way.

Clegg: Yes way.

Bill: Well that's pretty rockin' man. But why are they dragging Bercow?

Clegg: 'Cos he is a drag, Bill. What was with all those no's, anyway?

Bill: No idea, man. But they were most heinous.

Clegg: Wait one totally awesome moment, Bill. If I'm essentially Keanu Reeves, where will this leave me in ten years' time?

Andrew Marr: Mr Cleggeron. Surprised to see me?

Clegg: Not really.

The Evening Stanners

Bill and Clegg's Excellent Adventures

Taken from today's Guardian:

Sharing seats around the cabinet table is one thing. But Nick Clegg and William Hague have taken the spirit of coalition one step further – by agreeing to share a house.

The deputy prime minister and the foreign secretary – the two most senior figures in the government after David Cameron – have been given the joint use of Chevening, a grace-and-favour home set in a 3,500-acre estate in Kent.

Most excellent, dudes! This could lead to some seriously bodacious episodes...

Clegg (Ted): Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?
Bill (Hague): Clegg, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy.
Clegg: What if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?

Bill: Greetings, immigrant dudes! Woah, this capping system is totally bogus.
Clegg: Dude, what if we were to introduce an amnesty?
Bill: Woah man, not cool.
Clegg: What?
Bill: Big words man: you know you have to explain big words.
Clegg: Oh, well, an amnesty is where anyone who uses too many references is allowed to get away with it.
Bill: Does that include us?
Clegg: Totally.
Bill: Sweet! (Air guitars)

(On the visit of Carla Bruni)

Clegg: Dude, that chick's pretty hot.
Bill: Shut up, Clegg.
Clegg: Is it true you asked her what she thought of Wife Swap?
Bill: SHUT UP, CLEGG!

Not sure who would make a good Rufus. This would be implying that Rufus should be replaced: scandalous stuff.

Next week: Dave's World. Or summat.

The Evening Stanners

Speak Up, Old Chap

This is John Bercow, MP for Buckingham and Speaker of the House of Commons. Or is he? Because for a man who needs to keep order at Prime Minister's Questions and crucial debates, Bercow is having a bit of difficulty keeping hold of anything.

It wasn't always so for the Speaker: generally elected comfortably, it's a position that isn't normally affected by the hurly-burly of elections. Douglas Clifton Brown, for example, became Speaker during the Second World War of all times, and stayed on after the Labour landslide despite being Conservative. Likewise, figures like Bernard Weatherill and Betty Boothroyd saw relatively long stints at the post pass unhindered, as Thatcher and Blair towered over them.

But then came Michael Martin, and all hell has broken loose since then.

Martin was elected in October 2000, and caused a bit of a stir at the time amongst those who believed that a Conservative MP should have been chosen for the role. He had been chosen because of his support from fellow Labour backbenchers, but from 2006 onwards he started to make a nuisance of himself. Supposed bias towards Tony Blair certainly did not endear him to Conservative MPs or rebel Labour backbenchers.

Then came the expenses.

It is not at all clear whether Martin was aware just how much he was shooting himself in the foot, but to the impartial spectator it appears he was more than happy to carry on reloading. Martin was linked with not one but four expenses scandals, he then let police search the office of Damian Green (the Conservative spokesman for immigration) without a search warrant.

After that, the writing was on the wall: Douglas Carwell MP tabled a motion of no confidence on 19th May 2009, and Martin resigned. It was the first time in over 300 years that a Speaker had had to stand down.

Bercow's appointment has been equally controversial: he may be a Conservative, but the Tories do not like him. This is illustrated rather well by Nadine Dorries (above), the Conservative MP for Mid-Bedfordshire, who has e-mailed the "new kids on the block" in order to warn them about that bully Bercow. The warning goes as follows: "there are a number of reasons why, since his appointment, Mr Bercow has proven unsuitable in the Speaker's role. Not least, on the occasions during the last session when Mr Bercow found remaining impartial, a crucial quality in the role of Speaker, very difficult, leading to a number of heated exchanges between the Speaker and Conservative MPs."

So. Not really a ringing endorsement.

Fortunately for Bercow, Dorries is generally considered a pain in the neck by her own party and by others: her own expenses claims do not exactly give her the high ground, and such campaigns as banning high heels in the office would seem to present her as having her priorities mixed up. Some comments on Twitter illustrate this point rather well:

If Nadine Dorries thinks new MPs don't know how batty she is, she's more batty than I thought.

Given she can't maintain a Twitter a/c or website it's amazing Nadine Dorries managed to send an email at all.

Just when I thought I couldn't dislike Nadine Dorries more!

Haha, I bet Bercow is delighted Dorries is telling people not to vote for him.

Nadine Dorries wants to get rid of Speaker Bercow? Bercow can't be all that bad then!

Judging from those soundbites, it's going to be rather surprising if Bercow actually gets voted out. Even if he is much too liberal for the Daily Mail's liking. And after all, if he can hold off ten opponents in his own constituency, chances are he'll knock Dorries for six. Otherwise, one suspects this Government has started with a wobble.

The Evening Stanners

We Want You To Make... ANOTHER BUDGET!

Osborne & Cable: "Not another budget!"

Cameron: "Then, when you have found the budget, you must place it here, next to this budget, only slightly higher, so you get a two layer effect with a little giveaway running down the middle. (A giveaway, a giveaway!) Then, you must cut down the mightiest deficit in the land, with... A HERRING!"

Osborne: "We shall do no such thing!"

Cameron: "Oh, please."

The Evening Stanners

PS Readers should note that this is no longer the Government that raises "NI", it is the Government that raises "ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!"

PPS The budget is to be announced on 22nd June. Perhaps that should have been at the top.

Ousting A Tory Government: The Do's And Don'ts

Looking at the Labour Party website, it appears that almost every single Lib Dem voter has defected in the space of less than a week. Strange, then, that a meeting of 2,000 party activists saw a ratification of the coalition deal, as Nick Clegg convinvced his core support that the coalition was a good idea.

It's true, of course, that Labour has seen something of a boost in the past week: a Sunday Telegraph poll puts their support up to 33%, just five points behind the Tories. Such narrow margins indicate that the coalition will do very well indeed to last the whole five years. But Labour still needs a rethink of its policies: even in Scotland, where Labour crushed the opposition convincingly, four of its five manifesto points are overwhelmingly negative (though that's not to say they didn't work). With this in mind, how should the Labour Party try and topple its foes?

I say Arnie, your mate Cameron seems to have locked us out...

Do

• Elect a new leader who can appeal to floating voters. The Labour Party has only once won reclaimed access to No. 10 whilst keeping its leader: that was in the early 70's, when Harold Wilson stayed on after losing in 1970 to somehow win in '74. That said, it has also lost successive elections with the same leader, as Clement Attlee and Neil Kinnock found out to their cost. Blair, of course, succeeded where his predecessors had failed simply because he was not Old Labour: David Miliband has capitalised on this recently, saying that the party needed to think about "Next Labour".



• Point out Labour's healthier record on public spending. Labour introduced the NHS, and won three consecutive elections on the pure and simple fact that the public trusted them more than the Tories when it came to education and transport. The last Labour government also introduced the High Speed Rail link, and Ken Livingstone's two terms as Mayor of London has seen the capital's public transport improve immensely.



• Realise where Labour has made mistakes. One of the worst mindsets for the Labour Party to adopt now would be this: "We didn't deserve to lose the election, we were cheated. The public will realise this, and will come back to us at the first sign of trouble." Both Ed and Dave Miliband have been very shrewd in describing the most recent campain as catastrophic: the more Labour realises it made mistakes with the economy and with the prison service, the more it can seek to put right.



• Reach out to your supporters on a personal level. Conservative and Lib Dem supporters were thoroughly consulted on the possibility of a coalition deal: evidently, Labour supporters weren't, and made quite a noise about it. The fact that what Labour MPs were saying about a coalition differed significantly from what Labour fans on Twitter thought of the deal speaks volumes. There needs to be a more permanent connection between the two. This point was illustrated rather well by Margaret Hodge, who only started properly engaging with her constituents a year or so before the General Election: but her work paid off with a convincing victory over Nick Griffin. (Incidentally, what's happend to him? The BNP have gone very quiet all of a sudden)



• Be merciless when a major Tory crisis develops. Labour has always done very well for itself when it has harped on about either a Conservative Party scandal or an error of judgement by a Tory Prime Minister. The John Profumo affair of 1963 completely crippled the Macmillan government: the Three-Day week imposed by Ted Heath was a humiliation for Conservative supporters; and people still talk about Black Wednesday and the Poll Tax. Labour will probably be unable to do this fully until after the leadership election: but highlighting a few places in which the Tories might make enemies (tax rises, unnecessary cuts on public spending, creating an energy crisis) is definitely worthwhile. The key to this is noting that it is only worth harping on about a scandal if parts of the Conservative Party start to make noises: half a dozen backbenchers, for example.

Don't

• Assume you can take down a Tory Government on its war record. It never works. Suez and the Falklands are good opposites: Suez was a complete disaster for Anthony Eden, the Falklands a success for Margaret Thatcher. This isn't to say that a Conservative Defence Secretary is infallible - Michael Portillo's decapitation in 1997 is proof of this - but the main reason for a Conservative Government's demise is not usually to do with the military. In any case, the controversies of Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan do not exactly show Labour as being the expert in handling military situations, so best not to attack the Conservatives on that one.


• Just wait for the Tories to get rid of their leader. If David Cameron were to resign after less than five years with the Tories still in power, he would be the first Conservative Party leader to do this since 1957, when Anthony Eden stepped down. This doesn't mean that Labour can't win the next election: it just means that their Public Enemy No.1 is still going to be Cameron. So rather than expect him to run out of steam, it makes more sense to identify where he's weak: which, judging from the various flip-flops made in recent years, would seem to be on the economy and Europe. Focus on the first leader's debate in particular, and see where Cameron did right and wrong there: because most people watching it concluded that he got a lot wrong.


• Appoint a raving leftie to lead you into the next election (or a raving rightie, but that's unlikely to happen). It is important to have a prominent left-winger in a relatively high post, and promote those who are both to the left and competent: this usually works well for Labour, and Jon Cruddas will hopefully illustrate this. But Michael Foot's time as leader is still an excellent example of how to alienate those more towards the centre of the political spectrum. 306 constituencies will not become socialist, or even anti-Conservative overnight.



• Think you can appoint anyone as Shadow Home Secretary. Oh dear me, no. The fact remains that only two men have ever survived a full Labour Government as Home Secretary in 65 years: Jack Straw (1997-2001) and James Chuter Ede (1945-1951). The fact that five Home Secretaries came and went in the nine years after Straw moved to the Foreign Office speaks volumes. Oh, and the fact two of them lost their seats this month probably doesn't help. Keeping Alan Johnson in his current role, on the other hand, probably would.


• Ignore your women, especially if it leads to calling them bigoted or blaming it all on Sue. In these modern times, men-only cabinets are a dangerous concept, hence the discontent with the current cabinet set-up, which only has three women to its name. Furthermore, one of these women, Teresa May, is coming under fire for appearing to contradict the criteria needed to become the Secretary of State for Equality. Labour, on the other hand, have a number of talented women in their ranks: Harman has done well as Deputy Leader, Bevanite_Ellie is noted for her ability to command support on Twitter, and Sarah Brown frequently came to her husband's rescue.

Those are just a few points that the next Labour Shadow Cabinet will do well to remember: others include how Labour has a better record in manufacturing, how the Labour Party needs to be more convincing on immigration, and so on. But the main point to remember is that the coalition is unlikely to fall apart before October: therefore, the leadership campaign should not be rushed. One of the key reasons why the Tories failed to learn their lessons after 1997 and 2001 was because they did not hold very long post-mortems. In the case of Cameron, the party waited a good six months after the 2005 election before he was elected leader. The result? A Conservative Prime Minister.

Patience is needed: the more rational and reasonable Labour looks, the more panicky and edgy the Conservatives will appear. In the words of Guinness, good things come to those who wait.

For Labour, that will be at least three years. Best put the kettle on.

The Evening Stanners