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Friday, May 21, 2010

Merkel and Cameron: Not Best Pals

I don't even have to give an argument why. Instead, here are some photos which indicate exactly how things are going between the Prime Minister and the German Chancellor.

Honest.


Merkel: "Morning, Cleggeron."

Cameron: "It's Clameron. Dash it, I mean Cameron. Now, as you know, I'm here to make it absolutely clear that I'm going to treat the Eurozone like Gene Hunt treats a criminal: slap it about without actually killing it."



Merkel: "Are you sure this is how these things go? Brown was much easier to deal with"

Cameron: "Well yes, but then you started panicking the markets. And don't get me started on the number of times you change jackets. How can I trust a leader who's obsessed with fashion?"


Cameron: "You see, we wouldn't be having all those financial ruckus if you'd bailed Greece out sooner. And that's why the Eurozone isn't going to get any more power over the UK, damn it"
Merkel: "Must... control... urge... to rant..."


BUT CAN YOU GUESS



Merkel: "GRAWGH! MERKEL SMASH!"


Cameron: "You see? Her jacket's changed colour! Again!"

In all seriousness, the talks are actually going relatively well: the Economist sums up the actual state of affairs here. To be honest, I just wanted to write Merkel Smash.

In other news, Lords Mandelson and Adonis are no longer in the Shadow Cabinet, which signals the departure of Mandelson once more from the political foreground. But it seems likely he'll be back in the near future. I bet he's only gone away to spend more time on Google's brilliant tribute to 30 years of Pacman. Wokka-wokka-wokka-wokka...

The Evening Stanners

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Bill and Clegg's Excellent Adventures: Labour Pains


Bill: Clegg, this leadership campaign is most complicated.

Clegg: How meanest thou, dude?

Bill: Dude, just two days ago those two Miliband bros were the only guys going for the leader of that rose thing.

Clegg: Wasn't that the rose thing that thrashed you nine years ago?

Bill: Shut up, Clegg. Anyway, turns out there are like, six people going for it.

Clegg: No way.

Bill: Yes way. And one of them's a chick.

Bill: No dude, Diane Abbott. But like, the idea of a woman leading the Labour Party?

Clegg: Dude, you're like, totally forgetting Harman's in charge at the moment.

Bill: HARMAN'S A CHICK?!?

Dave: Er, sorry to interrupt chaps, but Merkel says the Euro's in danger.

Bill & Clegg: BOGUS!

PS. For the record, the MPs running are David Miliband, Ed Miliband, Ed Balls, John McDonnell, Andy Burnham, and Diane Abbott. This just got a bit more interesting, dudes...

The Evening Stanners

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Work Placements and Interviews: Part IV

Man, this is getting confusing. Soooo far...

  • Three counts of "We're considering you" from Labour;
  • One "Can you e-mail my campaign manager" from the Lib Dems (that's Julian Huppert of Cambridge)
  • One "Thanks, but it's choc-a-bloc in here" from the Conservatives (What is it with me and Reading?)
  • And lastly, one "Let us know if you're still interested" from the Speaker.

Oh yes. I'm going for a potential job with John Bercow the day after I blog about him. Coincidence?

To be continued...

Nick: Dude, our sitcom is way cooler than this "Work Placements" thing.

Bill: SHUT UP, CLEGG!

The Evening Stanners

Work Placements and Interviews: Part III

So, after about a week or so of e-mailing people, I have three possible sources of work:

  • Constituency Campaign Organiser for the Exeter Labour Party

  • Case Worker for Karl Turner MP (Kingston upon Hull East)

  • Parliamentary Caseworker for Barry Gardiner MP (Brent North)

Giving me a very nice Devon - Yorkshire - London triangle of career opportunities. Hopefully a few more job offers will trickle through, though to be honest I would take any one of those at the moment. Exeter would be pretty awesome, London would be manageable and Hull is actually quite nice, honest! I went to a Hull - Spurs match and sat in the home end despite being a Spurs fan and it was fine. That's security for you. And their telephone boxes are whiter than white.

See?

By the way, if you have a spare moment (and let's face it, you do if you're reading this), then Barry Gardiner's website is worth a look: he won't need to advertise for an IT whizzkid anytime soon. Awesome stuff.

And back to the jobhunting! Also, more Bill and Clegg goodness later...

The Evening Stanners

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Bill and Clegg: Speaker Bercow

As Nadine Dorries' attempt to create revolution goes down like the Bay of Pigs in '63, Bill and Clegg give you their official (and fictional) lowdown...

Clegg: Dude, this seat arrangement is totally contrived, man.

Bill: What do you mean, Clegg?

Clegg: Well, I'm to the left of Cameron, and you're like, to the right.

Bill: No. Way.

Clegg: Yes way.

Bill: Well that's pretty rockin' man. But why are they dragging Bercow?

Clegg: 'Cos he is a drag, Bill. What was with all those no's, anyway?

Bill: No idea, man. But they were most heinous.

Clegg: Wait one totally awesome moment, Bill. If I'm essentially Keanu Reeves, where will this leave me in ten years' time?



Andrew Marr: Mr Cleggeron. Surprised to see me?

Clegg: Not really.

The Evening Stanners

Bill and Clegg's Excellent Adventures


Taken from today's Guardian:

Sharing seats around the cabinet table is one thing. But Nick Clegg and William Hague have taken the spirit of coalition one step further – by agreeing to share a house.

The deputy prime minister and the foreign secretary – the two most senior figures in the government after David Cameron – have been given the joint use of Chevening, a grace-and-favour home set in a 3,500-acre estate in Kent.


Most excellent, dudes! This could lead to some seriously bodacious episodes...

Clegg (Ted): Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?
Bill (Hague): Clegg, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy.
Clegg: What if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?


Bill: Greetings, immigrant dudes! Woah, this capping system is totally bogus.
Clegg: Dude, what if we were to introduce an amnesty?
Bill: Woah man, not cool.
Clegg: What?
Bill: Big words man: you know you have to explain big words.
Clegg: Oh, well, an amnesty is where anyone who uses too many references is allowed to get away with it.
Bill: Does that include us?
Clegg: Totally.
Bill: Sweet! (Air guitars)

(On the visit of Carla Bruni)

Clegg: Dude, that chick's pretty hot.
Bill: Shut up, Clegg.
Clegg: Is it true you asked her what she thought of Wife Swap?
Bill: SHUT UP, CLEGG!

Not sure who would make a good Rufus. This would be implying that Rufus should be replaced: scandalous stuff.

Next week: Dave's World. Or summat.

The Evening Stanners

Speak Up, Old Chap


This is John Bercow, MP for Buckingham and Speaker of the House of Commons. Or is he? Because for a man who needs to keep order at Prime Minister's Questions and crucial debates, Bercow is having a bit of difficulty keeping hold of anything.

It wasn't always so for the Speaker: generally elected comfortably, it's a position that isn't normally affected by the hurly-burly of elections. Douglas Clifton Brown, for example, became Speaker during the Second World War of all times, and stayed on after the Labour landslide despite being Conservative. Likewise, figures like Bernard Weatherill and Betty Boothroyd saw relatively long stints at the post pass unhindered, as Thatcher and Blair towered over them.

But then came Michael Martin, and all hell has broken loose since then.

Martin was elected in October 2000, and caused a bit of a stir at the time amongst those who believed that a Conservative MP should have been chosen for the role. He had been chosen because of his support from fellow Labour backbenchers, but from 2006 onwards he started to make a nuisance of himself. Supposed bias towards Tony Blair certainly did not endear him to Conservative MPs or rebel Labour backbenchers.

Then came the expenses.


It is not at all clear whether Martin was aware just how much he was shooting himself in the foot, but to the impartial spectator it appears he was more than happy to carry on reloading. Martin was linked with not one but four expenses scandals, he then let police search the office of Damian Green (the Conservative spokesman for immigration) without a search warrant.

After that, the writing was on the wall: Douglas Carwell MP tabled a motion of no confidence on 19th May 2009, and Martin resigned. It was the first time in over 300 years that a Speaker had had to stand down.

Bercow's appointment has been equally controversial: he may be a Conservative, but the Tories do not like him. This is illustrated rather well by Nadine Dorries (above), the Conservative MP for Mid-Bedfordshire, who has e-mailed the "new kids on the block" in order to warn them about that bully Bercow. The warning goes as follows: "there are a number of reasons why, since his appointment, Mr Bercow has proven unsuitable in the Speaker's role. Not least, on the occasions during the last session when Mr Bercow found remaining impartial, a crucial quality in the role of Speaker, very difficult, leading to a number of heated exchanges between the Speaker and Conservative MPs."

So. Not really a ringing endorsement.

Fortunately for Bercow, Dorries is generally considered a pain in the neck by her own party and by others: her own expenses claims do not exactly give her the high ground, and such campaigns as banning high heels in the office would seem to present her as having her priorities mixed up. Some comments on Twitter illustrate this point rather well:

If Nadine Dorries thinks new MPs don't know how batty she is, she's more batty than I thought.

Given she can't maintain a Twitter a/c or website it's amazing Nadine Dorries managed to send an email at all.

Just when I thought I couldn't dislike Nadine Dorries more!

Haha, I bet Bercow is delighted Dorries is telling people not to vote for him.

Nadine Dorries wants to get rid of Speaker Bercow? Bercow can't be all that bad then!


Judging from those soundbites, it's going to be rather surprising if Bercow actually gets voted out. Even if he is much too liberal for the Daily Mail's liking. And after all, if he can hold off ten opponents in his own constituency, chances are he'll knock Dorries for six. Otherwise, one suspects this Government has started with a wobble.

The Evening Stanners