Blame Labour For The Footie

So, the England football team.

Yeah.

Makes me... proud... to be...

QUARTER-IRISH BECAUSE IRELAND BLOODY BEAT ALGERIA 3-0 FOR PETE'S SAKE

And breathe.

In light of the recent development that England are shocking, I have decided that the easiest way to guess how England will do is to see how Labour are doing in the polls.

Let's have a look-see...

1966: Labour win by a landslide, with George Brown as Deputy Leader. England win the World Cup.

1970: England get to the Quarter-Finals, but surprisingly lose to Germany. Labour lose the election, and George Brown loses his seat.

1974: England don't qualify. Labour win by default against Ted Heath.

1978: England don't qualify. Labour barely holding onto power under Lib-Lab pact.

1982: England make the second group stage. Labour on brink of extinction?

1986: England make the quarter-finals. Labour starting to fight back a bit. Gordon Brown is now an MP. (Note the Brown connection: note it!)

1990: England reach the semi-finals. Labour are ahead in the polls, and Thatcher is on the brink. Gordon Brown is on the rise in the Labour Party

1994: England don't qualify. Labour leader John Smith dies. Gordon Brown bottles chance to be leader.

1998: England make the second round. Labour are in power. Tony Blair is in a bit of trouble over the Ecclestone business; Brown is Chancellor.

2002: England make the quarter-finals. Brown has served five years as Chancellor.

2006: England make the quarter-finals. Blair's STILL there. Brown is very close to becoming PM.

2010: England can't beat the US or Algeria. BROWN IS NO LONGER IN DOWNING STREET.

So we can safely conclude that England only do well when:

1. There's a person called Brown in Government. (In between the two Browns, you'll notice, we never make it beyond the groups, or even qualifying sometimes!)

2. There's a strong Labour government.

3. We have huge riots in London.

So, seeing as the first two aren't going to happen anytime soon, I propose that somebody in London holds a riot before Wednesday, or we're all horribly DOOMED.

Ta.

The Evening Stanners

PS I just realised something else! The majority of Scotland is held by Labour, and Scotland don't want England to win! Coincidence?!? (That sort of conspiracy will get you fired from your onw blog - Ed.)

In light of recent football results, I feel obliged to say...

Tee hee hee.

Although, in truth, the result is a little annoying, as my sister and I have currently made a pact to support the underdog and the favourite respectively. So yesterday, thanks to Mexico and Greece, I lost 2-1. Just as well Argentina turned up, then, or I'd have been whitewashed: like certain extremist political parties. (Anyone heard about UKIP lately? No, didn't think so...)

It has most certainly not been a World Cup that has behaved itself: although at least it has now decided to get going after some appalling opening matches: Japan and Cameroon, I'm looking at you. France, under the guidance of the paranoid and eccentric Raymond Domenech, are not the side that won in '98, or even the side that came second four years ago, but you would expect them to get out of their group, wouldn't you? As it is, all that handball incident did was get Thierry and his mates to a tournament that, so far, they've yet to actually score in. Are the French engaged in some kind of cycle? Final, out at group stages, final, out at group stages, and so on? If so, you might want to put a few on them for Brazil 2014. But I'd wait for a bit, if I'm honest.

Anyhoo, today means I have to back, erm, Germany, the US, and England. And if any of those three lose... well, it will be a mild upset to say the least. Though I'm not sure what England will do if Slovenia win. THAT could make things interesting.

The Evening Stanners